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Griffins

Since many of you asked how to deal with a griffin infestation (and I was too tired to tell you last night), I'll tell you today instead. I could be coy and tell you to go out and buy Professor Michael Herren's edition (and probably translation) of Aethicus Ister's Cosmographia (a seventh century text), but it'll be at least a year before it hits publication, and that would be cruel, after admitting I know how to deal with them. But if you do read the book when it comes out, you'll also know how to deal with Minotaurs - and who doesn't need such a handy skill as that? On to the directions...

Dig a really big pit. Obtain a large animal carcass. Put lots of spikes on the bottom of the pit. Have lots of men covered in mud to hide on the bottom of the bit, around the spikes, with unlit torches in their hands. Then cover the pit with leaves and branches so it looks like a natural part of the landscape, and put the carcass in the middle of the pit's covering.

Wait until a griffin comes along. It'll be so excited to see the large amount of meat, it'll go away and get its entire family to come feast with it. The weight of the entire family gathered around the carcass with make the pseudo-flooring give way and they'll all fall on the spikes. Then the hiding men can light their torches and burn the griffins to death. Obviously the men themselves won't catch on fire, because they're covered in mud.

And that's how you deal with a griffin infestation.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
ballincollig
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
Too bad it's easier to nab a gryphon than it is a mouse :) ...
owlfish
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC)
I'm beginning to wonder if I have ghost mice: last night, a trap was sprung, but there's nothing in it.
ballincollig
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:55 pm (UTC)
The souls of the mice you vanquished have returned!

Spooooky!!
owlfish
Apr. 7th, 2005 03:54 am (UTC)
Between your comment and your icon, I have sudden memories of Rizzo and company in Muppet Treasure Island. Music! Dancing! ("We were sailing, sailing, the wind was on our side --- and then it died.")
oursin
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
This reminds me of the mouse-trap of a mad inventor on the long-defunct 'It's a Square World' comedy show (Michael Bentine, formerly of the Goons): after an enormously long labyrinthine process, the mouse would fall into a vat of whisky, drink it, see itself in a magnifying mirror, and then go out to pick a fight with the nearest cat: i.e. there must be simplet methods.
ajodasso
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC)
...wow. Good to know. I shall remember that.
juniperus
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
isn't that how you catch a heffalump?
owlfish
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:56 pm (UTC)
Give or take the men-covered-in-mud, the torches, the spiky sticks, and the bit where the griffin goes and fetches its entire family. I think I'd rather try catching a heffalump, myself. Griffins sounds dangerous.
moon_custafer
Apr. 7th, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)
It goes and fetches its entire family? That's so cute, it would probably make me not want to kill the griffins. Maybe I could just find some virgins to tame them or something. Do virgins work on griffins?
owlfish
Apr. 7th, 2005 03:55 am (UTC)
Recruit a willing virgin and try it? But have a pit and men covered in mud as a nearby backup, just in case.
lazyknight
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Isn't a willing virgin a rather short-lived beast?
theengineer
Apr. 7th, 2005 04:34 am (UTC)
No, no, it's good that the whole family dies. That way the grief is minimized and the young don't, like, grow up and seek revenge on you.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )